How Do I Love Thee
by Vinividivinci
Summary: A lifetime of regrets; a love denied but never lost.
1. Chapter 1

_**This is just a short story - two chapters - that came to me the other day. I'm taking a teeny break from my other story but will get back to that right away. I just needed a touch of romance! I hope you enjoy. **_

She saw the grey haired man from across the room and smiled. She felt a jolt of pleasure she hadn't felt in a while. It had been over a year since she had seen him and she realized now how much she missed having him in her life.

At that moment he lifted his head and saw her. With a smile of his own, he excused himself to the person he was talking to and began to head in her direction. He looked good, she thought. Although his hair was turning more white than grey now his face actually looked more weathered than wrinkled. She laughed to herself – maybe that's what everyone said as they themselves started seeing wrinkles in the mirror!

At that moment he reached her and opened his arms and enveloped her in a big hug.

"Sam", he said softly, squeezing her to him. "It's so good to see you." He pulled back and looked closely at her. "You're looking good. How have you been? Still on the speaker's circuit?"

"Hi Daniel! It's great to see you as well. I'm fine but I'm afraid I'm slowing down and staying pretty close to home these days." She looked at her friend and thought it amazing that to her he still looked like that young, innocent faced archaeologist she'd met so many years ago rather than a man nearing 80 years old. "How are Vala and your kids?"

"They're doing well. Vala's in our room resting. She suffers a bit from arthritis these days so she took a pain pill and decided to take a nap. She wanted to be in good shape for the ceremony and the banquet tonight. The kids? They're fine. Matt's got a teaching job at Princeton – tenure track no less", he said with pride. Matt was his oldest and had followed in his father's footsteps. He was a linguist specializing in 'alien' languages. "He and Steph just had another baby – a little girl by the name of Erin. Vala's over the moon of course!"

That made what – six grandkids now? Sam felt a pang of jealously although at the same time she was pleased for her friend. "And you're not Daniel?" she answered, with a grin. He grinned in return, acknowledging the fact that he was a doting grandfather.

"Yeah – well, what can I say? The other kids are all fine. Amy is just finishing her Residency and she and Paul will be moving to Colorado soon. Jack's finishing his last year at Princeton although his main love seems to be hockey." Daniel grinned again. "Just like his namesake!"

Sam smiled in return although felt that pang return. She had almost decided not to come to the ceremony and banquet, knowing it would bring back too many memories and too many regrets. She knew that Jack O'Neill would figure prominently in the event, even if he didn't come. She sighed. Since when were you a coward Sam, she said to herself.

"Have you seen Teal'c?", Daniel deftly changed the subject, sensing that Sam was uncomfortable.

"Uh no", she replied, pleased. "I didn't know he could make it."

"Yeah, it seems like they sent a special envoy asking him to attend. I guess they figured the more of us the better! He's around somewhere", he said, looking through the crowd. "He brought Ishta with him but I think he said she was out shopping. You know what she's like!"

Sam laughed out loud this time. Yes, it was strange, but after years of fighting and being a warrior, Ishta had discovered the joys of shopping. After she and Teal'c had had two daughters she'd settled into a life of domesticity – although Sam was pretty sure she wore the pants in the family.

"I can hardly wait to see him", she replied. "It'll almost be like old times." Except of course for the one missing team member. Looking at Daniel, she could see the compassion in his eyes. She knew she had to ask so she figured she might as well get it over with. "So, have you heard from the General? I assume he won't be here?"

"I spoke to him yesterday", Daniel replied. "He's doing well but I don't think he felt up to travelling to DC. Even if he was, I don't know if he would have come. Said it was all a 'load of crap' if I remember correctly", he smiled faintly. "He's moved into a house in town now. It's nice although he says he misses his lake. He has someone come in to clean and do his shopping for him. It was too hard for him living so far from town."

Sam nodded slightly, thinking about her former commander – and friend. He'd be close to 94 years old now and she hadn't seen him in almost 30 years, even though she still thought about him every day.

She'd continued to serve in the Air Force and had retired at the age of 65 as a Major General. She probably would have gotten even higher in rank except she that she had balanced her time with scientific work, especially after the Gate was made public. Since her retirement, more than 13 years ago, she'd travelled the country, speaking of the early Gate years as well as some of the scientific discoveries of the last 50 years.

Following the defeat of the Ori and a few years spent on Atlantis, Daniel had left and had taken a job at the Smithsonian in DC. Once the Gate had been made public he was offered a job at Harvard and finished his days as a full-professor, writer and lecturer. He had been redeemed in the eyes of the academic community and now was honored as the foremost expert on ancient Egypt and the Goa'uld.

Vala had eventually snagged her man and had dragged him up the aisle kicking and screaming. Fortunately, he had given in and had been very happy – and not bored – with Vala as his wife. They had the three children and now had grandchildren. Looking at him Sam could tell that Daniel had had a good life and was happy in his retirement.

Teal'c had gone on to become President of the United Free Jaffa, based on Chulak. He and Ishta also had a good marriage and Teal'c enjoyed his children and grandchildren. He wasn't able to get to earth very often but she had seen him a number of times over the years.

Cassie was a grandmother, as of just recently. She had become a doctor like her earth mother and specialized in alien diseases. Sam had become her de facto mother and was honorary grandmother to her children – and now an honorary 'great-grandmother' to little Jonathon, who was only three months old.

"I'm glad he's doing well", she finally said, speaking of Jack. She couldn't very well ask for any more information on the man since everyone knew that hadn't talked in years.

"Don't you think it's about time you spoke to him Sam?" Daniel said gently, as if he could read her mind. "He's not going to be around for that much longer and I know he'd love to hear from you. He's still the same old Jack, although he moves a lot slower now days. You'll feel terrible if he dies and you haven't even gotten in touch once.'

"I don't think he'd want to hear from me", she said softly. "Why would he? It's been a lot of years and I'm sure he barely remembers me. I'm just one of hundreds he served with over the years."

'Come on, you don't really believe that! Have you forgotten him? Look, I'm not going to say anymore but think about it. I have his address and phone number if you want to get in touch."

Just then someone approached to remind them that the program was beginning shortly. They were to take their seats on the podium, as the honored guests of today's events. With a smile, Daniel took Sam's arm and led her forward. He caught sight of Vala and waved as she made her way to the reserved seating in the front.

Today was the 50th anniversary of the opening of the Stargate. SG1 was being honored, along with those that travelled that first time to Abydos. The new space center was being named the General Jack O'Neill Gate Center, in honor of the first man (with the exception of Ernest Littlefield) through the Stargate and the retired 5 Star General.

Sam sat through the rest of the afternoon listening to speeches and stories about the early years. Pictures of the various people involved in the program, including SG1, were displayed on holograms throughout the hall. She got teary eyed as she saw General Hammond, Janet Frasier, Walter and Siler and many of the others she had known and loved. A few of them were here today –although all of them were old and gray. Haley was here, now a General in her own right and Sam made a note to be sure and speak with her after the ceremony.

As she went to bed that night, she thought again about Daniel's words. He was right. She knew she would regret it if she didn't speak with Jack at least once. The only problem was, she thought she might regret it even more if she did speak with him. She was pretty sure it would simply bring to the surface all the regrets she'd kept buried for so many years.

There had been a time, shortly after her father died, when she was pretty sure she and Jack were finally going to make a go of things. The time seemed right and the barriers that had kept them apart for so many years were no longer insurmountable. Jack had indicated – carefully but clearly – that he would be interested in changing things between them. In the end it was she who had backed away. Not because she didn't care, but because she was afraid. That and, let's face it, she was more her father's daughter than she had realized. She put duty before those she loved. She had decided to stay with the Air Force and concentrate on her career.

At first they'd kept in touch, both hoping they could maintain and even grow a relationship at a distance. As time went on, however, it became more and more difficult. Sam was constantly faced with the desire to simply give everything up and be with him but something held her back. She finally reached the point where she knew she had to choose. Sadly, she had chosen her career.

There had never been anything said, never any anger or bitterness between them. They had simply drifted apart. She had stopped calling and had stopped returning his calls. Oh, she kept in touch occasionally but it soon became apparent to him that she was not willing to pursue things. He had then stopped calling.

He always asked after her, made sure he kept an eye on her career and always had her back. She felt horribly guilty, knowing that she'd not only hurt Jack, but she had let her friends down. She had created a rift in the team since she no longer felt comfortable being around the General. She was always invited but made sure she was otherwise occupied. She arranged her leaves when she knew the others were working and spent any free time with her brother or Cassie. Soon the others stopped asking her to go to team events. After a while they even stopped talking about Jack in her presence.

She knew about him of course. She couldn't help it. He rose in rank until he reached the topmost level of the Air Force. He was respected and revered throughout the service and she heard frequently about him from other officers. Again, she managed to never see him in person – and figured that he helped her in that resolve by ensuring she was never at an event where he was present.

Daniel had finally told her when he'd retired and had even tried to get her to go to the retirement party. She'd managed to schedule an off-world conference just at that time although she had sent a card. She cringed every time she thought about that. How could she have been so completely heartless? She was pretty sure Jack would have seen it as a slap in the face.

So now, here she was, contemplating calling the man after years of refusing to see him or speak with him. She was pretty sure he wouldn't want to see her. But then again, maybe she should speak to him and apologize. Maybe she should tell him all he meant to her and all she had learned from him. What did she really have to lose now?

The next morning, after a sleepless night, she called Daniel's room and asked for Jack's phone number. On a whim, she also asked for his address. After chatting for a few more minutes she said goodbye. She hoped she would see her friends again soon.

She must be crazy, she thought, as she got out of the cab. After trying to pick up the phone for days and call the General she'd impulsively called the travel agent instead. She'd booked a ticket and now stood outside his small white house in Ely, Minnesota. As the cab pulled away she almost turned and ran after it, more frightened than she'd been in a long time.

"Get a grip Carter", she said to herself, "what's going to happen? Jack can just tell you to go to hell and you won't be in any different a place than you were yesterday or the day before." With a deep breath, and then a sigh, she walked up the short walkway to his front door.

She looked around as she did, noticing the neat yard with the small patch of flowers. On the front porch was a swing – she was pretty sure Jack would love to sit out and watch the world go by. As she got to the front door she paused and listened. From behind it she could hear the soft strains of a Verdi opera. Yes, this was definitely Jack's place.

She reached out and knocked, the sound of her knuckles almost as loud as the sound of her thudding heart. There was a short pause and then the music stopped.

"Just a minute", the voice called. Sam closed her eyes briefly as she recognized the voice of her former commander. It sounded much the same, if a little higher pitched and not quite so strong. She heard his slow footsteps as they approached the door and then the door opened.

She looked into the face of the only man she'd really ever loved; the man who meant more to her than any other. At first, she was slightly shocked. This old, frail looking man couldn't be the Jack O'Neill she had known! He was gaunt, to the point of being skinny, and his sparse hair was pure white. His face was wrinkled and his shoulders slightly stooped. He was – old. But then she looked into his eyes and the years rolled away. Yes, this was Jack O'Neill.

There was a brief look of shock in his eyes and then the corners crinkled. "Carter!" his name rolled off his tongue like it had so many times before. "Howya doin'?" he cried.

She stood there frozen, unable to believe that he seemed happy to see her. She looked into his eyes again and saw nothing but pleasure. She let out a small sob and he suddenly frowned, as if he realized that she was finding this difficult.

Suddenly, without warning, he opened his arms. "C'mere", he said, as he had other times before. Without pause, without thought, she walked forward into the safety and warmth of his embrace.

As he held her, his head resting in the crook of her neck, she could feel the tears gather and begin to fall. _This_ is what she had given up! _This_ is what she had been missing for all these years. Suddenly, the regrets grew and she was overwhelmed by the pain and sense of loss. This was why she had avoided him all these years. She had known, deep in her soul, that to see him again would make her realize how wrong she had been and what she had so carelessly let go.

He pulled back after a few minutes and looked down at her, although he still held his arms around her. "So you comin' in or what?" he asked, a small smile on his face. She was grateful that he pretended to not notice her tears.

She sniffed slightly and pulled back so that his arms dropped to his sides. "I'd like that Sir", she said softly, "If it's not too much of a bother."

"Bother? You? Carter, you could never be a bother. C'mon in." He turned and led her to the small sitting room in the front of the house. She looked around, seeing how bright and cheery it was. It was simple, as befit the man, but comfortable. As she sat down on the couch she noticed that the room was full of pictures. She could see that pictures of his son figured predominantly. It was strange, she thought, Charlie would be almost 60 now and yet he was eternally caught in the pictures as a little boy!

She saw the other pictures; Teal'c and Ishta and their children and grandchildren, Daniel and Vala and their family, Cassie and hers. There were pictures of George Hammond, Janet and many of the others Jack had served with. What were very obviously missing were any pictures of her. She felt a deep sadness and yet didn't blame him. It had been her choice – her fault.

"So, what can I get ya Carter?" he asked after a pause. He hadn't seemed to notice her perusal of his pictures – or if he did, he didn't say anything. "I'm afraid I don't have any diet pop – do you still drink that stuff?" he asked with a frown. She grinned slightly – only he would remember such a detail.

"Uh no – tea would be nice if you have any."

"Tea" he repeated, as if it was something totally alien. "I think I might." He suddenly grinned – that old mischievous O'Neill grin – which gave her another pang. "I have some Guinness if you want some. Old Milly would shoot me if she knew – but I hide it away. You can have some if you'd like."

"Milly, Sir?" she asked, with an answering grin.

"Yeah, she's my keeper. She comes in once a week to check on me and she watches me like a hawk. Old Doc says I shouldn't drink beer but I figure life isn't worth living without the occasional drink. She hasn't found my stash yet!"

"Thanks Sir", she laughed, "but I think I'll stick with tea."

"Okay", he smiled in return and headed slowly towards what must have been the kitchen. At the last moment he turned back. "Ya don't have to call me Sir you know. I think you can call me Jack now. I've been retired for a long while."

"I know Sir", she said in reply. "I just – I think of you that way." She shrugged in embarrassment, not sure if he'd understand.

"Yeah – just like you're 'Carter'." He gave her a soft look and winked before turning to the kitchen.

As he got the tea ready she continued to look around his room. She noticed the many books – on all different subjects and the extensive music library. He had some of the old fashioned CD's although he also appeared to have the latest in equipment as well. She looked more closely at some of the pictures and realized that he was clearly close to all the kids and grandkids of his friends. There were a number of cards addressed to 'Grandpa Jack'. Since none of them had living parents he'd become the stand in grandfather. Sam was pretty sure he was universally loved by the younger generation.

She thought briefly about what it would have been like to have had children with Jack. She stopped the thought pretty quickly however. It was one of the biggest regrets of her life that she'd never had children and that, with her regrets over Jack, would just make her more maudlin and sad.

"There ya go", he said with pride, as he brought a tray with a tea pot and cup. On the tray was a small plate of cookies. "Susan brings these over", he explained, without saying who 'Susan' was. "She thinks I need fattening up!"

"Thank you", Sam replied. She watched as Jack set the tray down and then sat stiffly in the chair facing her. He moved slowly, which wasn't surprising considering his age, but she was amazed at how well he walked. She knew he'd had terrible knee problems and yet he didn't seem to limp at all.

"Had the knees replaced a few years ago", he said, as if he read her mind. "Got so I could barely walk and Daniel convinced me to go for the surgery. I'd never tell him, of course, but it was the best thing I could have done. All this alien technology! My knees are better than when they were the real thing!"

"Kind of like Harlan's replicas", she said, thinking about that very strange adventure.

"Yeah, I guess." He looked thoughtful for a moment and then turned back to her. "So Carter, what brings you to my neck of the woods after all these years?" His tone was matter of fact and certainly carried no sense of accusation or blame and yet she felt herself color with feelings of guilt.

"I just – I wanted to see you Sir. I saw Daniel and Teal'c at the ceremony in Washington and realized I missed you. I'm sorry if it bothers you-"

"Stop Carter!" he said, waving his hand at her. "I didn't say it bothered me. It's nice to see you. I just wondered – you know – after all this time. I was surprised, that's all."

"I know." She stopped and looked at him, regret clearly written on her face. "I came to apologize. I treated you badly – threw your friendship and your l – your caring back in your face. I wanted to tell you how much I regret it. You didn't deserve that."

His expression changed at that moment, from simple friendship and pleasure to a mirror of hers. For the first time, she could see the deep hurt and regret in his eyes. The fact that he'd hidden it from her showed the depth of the man. She had wounded him deeply – in all probability she had devastated him – and yet he'd refused to become angry or bitter. The expression left quickly to be replaced again by gentle kindness.

"Water under the bridge, Carter", he said gently. "You did what you had to do and you had a brilliant career. Your father would have been proud – I was proud. You have nothing to apologize for."

"Yes", she answered, "yes I do, but I'm glad you're being so forgiving." She stopped then and looked around. "It looks like you're comfortable here." She changed the subject, knowing she would dissolve in tears at any moment.

"Yeah, it's good. I miss being able to fish though. The nearest pond is outside the town and I don't drive anymore. Sometimes I can get Ralph down at the Senior's Center to take me."

"So, you still like to fish do you?" she asked, laughing.

"Always Carter, always!" For the next little while he told her about life in the small town. He described some of the characters he'd gotten to know. They also chatted about Daniel and Teal'c and Cassie and all their mutual friends.

"Yeah, Daniel and Vala came by a few months ago for a visit. I still have trouble believing Daniel is an old man now. He still seems like that young archaeologist I went through the gate with so many years ago."

"I know, I had the same thought when I saw him at the ceremony." His grimace allowed her to approach the subject of the Stargate anniversary. "It was a great event Sir. You would have liked it."

"Are you crazy Carter?" he looked at her in disgust. "Surely you know that's _so_ not me! God, listening to a bunch of wind-bags talk about something they know nothing about? I don't think so."

"But they named the Center after you!"

He cracked a loud laugh. "I tried to talk them out of it. Told them they should name it after Daniel but they insisted. They can be glad I _didn't_ attend. I would have told them what I thought of the whole thing. I'm sure Daniel did a much better job."

"Oh yes. He told them that you had sent your regards and wished you could be there – that you were honored at the privilege, etc. etc." She smiled. "He was ever the diplomat."

Jack laughed again. "Yeah, that sounds like the old Space Monkey. I'll have to get him for that!"

Sam glanced at her watch and realized that she and Jack had been talking for over two hours. She looked at the retired General and noticed he was looking tired. She wondered if he was used to having a nap in the afternoon. She decided it was time she was going. She'd called and found a small motel and figured she should head on over. It had been a good afternoon and she was glad she had listened to Daniel.

At the same time, she knew that leaving here would be difficult. The sense of sadness had grown through the afternoon. As she sat in this small room she knew that this should have been her life. She should have been with this man, spent her life with him. She could have been the one looking after him and making him cookies. She had lost too much because of her decision and she knew that the rest of her life would be lived with that knowledge.

"I should be going Sir', she finally said. "It's been so good to see you."

This time it was Jack who looked unbearably sad but again, the expression was fleeting. "So soon Carter?" he asked. "You're welcome to stay for supper. I have some left over's in the fridge – nothing fancy but better than what we used to eat on missions!"

"I don't want to put you out and I should get to my motel. I can call a cab – the man left me his card."

"If you're sure", he said, sounding disappointed.

"Yes", she answered, although she was tempted to stay. She worried that she would tire him out too much if she did. "Could I just use your bathroom first and then I'll call?"

"Sure, it's just down the hall – can't miss it!"

She got up and walked down the small hallway until she came to the bathroom. In actual fact she'd needed some time to get her emotions under control. She was truly afraid she was going to cry and she knew he'd feel awful if she did. She needed to leave on a high note.

She shed a few tears and then used a cold cloth to wipe her face. After a quick check to make sure she looked okay, she opened the door. She could hear Jack on the phone in the kitchen so decided to peek into the other rooms off the hall. There were two other doors; one room was a small office/guest room. The other was Jack's bedroom.

She knew she was snooping but something drove her anyway. She took a couple of steps into his room and let her eyes wander through the bedroom. Like the rest of the house it was simple. It was clean – the bed made with military precision. She was sure that was Jack! She was about to turn and head down the hall when something caught her eye. Sitting on the bedside table were two pictures. One was a picture of Charlie, the other was a picture of her.

She froze, knowing that she was seeing something private, something that Jack would never want her to see. Her heart began to pound and she began to feel faint. Oh God, what had she done!

"Carter?" his voice startled her but she didn't turn around. She could feel him move closer and his hand reached out and took her arm. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for you to see that."

Oh God, he was apologizing over the fact that he hadn't forgotten her, that he had continued to love her even though she had rejected him. She finally turned and, with a sob, reached for him. For the second time that day he put his arms around her and just held her.

"I'm sorry", she sobbed, her voice muffled by his chest. "I'm so sorry. I gave up on us!"

"It's okay Carter, it's okay. As long as you've been happy everything is fine."

"But that's the problem", she said, "I haven't been happy. I've missed you every day. I was so stupid! I'm so sorry Jack", she said again. This time he didn't speak, he only held her. It was only when she finally looked up that she saw that there were tears running down his wrinkled cheeks.

What had she done to him now, she wondered? She'd come into his life again, after all these years, and had stirred up all the regrets for both of them. For the first time today she felt like she'd made a mistake in coming. She should have let things alone.

She felt Jack begin to sway and knew that this was hard on him. His presence was still so vital, so alive that it was easy to forget he was old and frail.

"Come, we should sit down", she finally said. He looked ready to argue but then seemed to recognize he couldn't stay standing anymore. It saddened her to see that he was resigned to having grown old and that he didn't rail against his own weakness.

She led him to the couch and sat next to him. As she reached out and put her arms around him she laughed to herself, wondering what others would have thought if they'd seen the two of them crying over their lost love. She was sure that the younger generation would have found them pretty pathetic.

They sat quietly together, both of them contemplating their lives and each other. She eventually turned to him with a sad smile. "Jack", she said, "I'm sorry. I regret, more than you'll ever know, what I did to you and I'm sorry that I came here and stirred all this up."

He reached out and put his finger against her mouth. "There's no time for regrets Sam. I'm glad you came today. You'll never know how much this has meant to me. I don't blame you for anything. I'm just happy I got the chance to see you again."

Her lips trembled under his touch and she looked at him in gratitude. "Do _you_ have any regrets Sir?" she asked softly.

He sat quietly for a few minutes, his eyes closed. She thought that maybe he'd fallen asleep so she leaned back and closed her own eyes.

"Two", he said quietly after a few minutes.

She opened her eyes and looked at him. "What?" she asked, confused.

"Two. I have two regrets." He stopped and she waited for him to continue. "I regret leaving my gun where a nine year old boy could get it and – and I regret leaving it in that room. Those are my regrets."

Her breath caught as she looked into his deep eyes once again. Blindly she reached out and took his hands. "Oh God", she sobbed and she leaned forward, resting her head on his shoulder. "I regret that damn room more than you'll ever know."

They held each other for a long time, neither of them wanting to let go of the other. It felt so right, she thought. Maybe it wasn't too late – maybe they could share what was left of their lives.

Jack finally pulled his hands away and reached up and stroked her hair. "Does this mean you'll finally go fishing with me Carter?" he asked.

She smiled, although the tears began to run again. "Yes Sir, I'd love to go fishing." She watched as his face crinkled into a smile. She reached out her hand to touch his face, just as a light enveloped him and he disappeared.

She sat stunned for what seemed like forever. Of course, she thought as her brain began to function again. Of _course_ they would never have the chance to be together. Fate – or God – or the universe had decided a long time ago that she and Jack were just not going to be allowed to love each other.

That thought was followed by another. What had happened? It couldn't be the Asgard – they'd all died years ago. So, what the hell had happened to Jack?


	2. Let Me Count the Ways

**_Here's the end of this little story. Part of me thought I should end it after the last chapter but at the last minute I had Jack zapped away. So, that made me go in a bit different a direction. I hope you like where I've gone although I know some of you would have preferred the more angsty - and realistic - first chapter. I'd be interested in your thoughts. _**

It was a lovely morning, he thought as he looked out the window. As he stretched slightly he thought he should go for a walk but decided he was just too tired. It was getting harder and harder to get moving everyday even though he still forced himself to walk. Sometimes he wondered why he bothered. He'd reached a good age, maybe he should just do what he wanted and not worry about anything else.

So, instead of a walk he decided he'd read and listen to music. Making his way into his sitting room he put on a selection of Verdi Operas – they were his favorite. He sat down and picked up a book, but instead of reading it he sat thinking.

Most of his days now seemed to be taken up with remembering – remembering the good times, the friends, the adventures. He spent a lot of time thinking about Charlie, about the fun things they'd done, the laughs they'd shared. He refused to remember the bad – how his son's life had ended so tragically. Oh, the sadness was still there, muted over the years, but always a part of him. He just refused to let it control his thoughts any more.

He also spent time remembering some of the other good moments of his life. Above all, he thought about his years travelling through the Stargate with his team, the three people who had become his family. He smiled as he pictured Daniel in that silly hat, his glassed slipping down his nose. He grinned when thinking about Teal'c and how he tended to get confused over so many earth expressions. He wondered, even after all these years, how confused his friend had really been. He suspected it had been a wicked sense of humor that had prompted some of Teal'c's more outrageous interpretations of English idioms.

Then there was Carter. Again, he refused to let sad thoughts interfere. Instead he thought about the young, idealistic and brilliant woman who had brought light back into his world. He thought with pride about all her accomplishments, not least of which was saving the world quite a few times. He wished he could see her again, just once, but knew that would never happen. She'd decided to pull away from him completely, years ago. As painful as it had been, he had understood why she had done it and had respected her decision.

He had spent a number of years wondering if he'd made a big mistake. Maybe he should have gone after her. Maybe he should have tracked her down, grabbed her and thrown her over his shoulder and carried her off. Would she have been glad to have seen him? Did he make a mistake to let her decide? He would never know and he had come to the realization, years ago, that he had to stop second-guessing. The decision had been made and they both had to live with the consequences.

He realized that a lot of his thoughts were because of the recent Stargate Anniversary ceremonies in DC. He knew that his former teammates would all be there as well as some of the others he'd served with. A part of him wished he could be there, but he knew that he wasn't up to the journey. His monthly trips to the doctor exhausted him so a plane ride would probably kill him.

He'd told Daniel that the whole thing was ridiculous, and part of him believed that. Another part, however, had felt truly honored and grateful that they were naming the center after him. He had tried to get them to name it after Daniel, feeling he was more deserving, but when they'd insisted he'd finally agreed. He secretly was proud and had thought, more than once, that at least there would be something left to remember him by, something that carried his name. He had left no children, no heirs, even though he thought of Cassie's kids as his family. Still, there were no O'Neill's left from his branch of the family and that saddened him.

The day of the ceremony he'd felt quite melancholy but then Milly had come over and had kept him busy with his bath and check-up. He still hated the indignity of having someone else look after his personal needs, but recognized that he had no choice any more. And in reality, it was becoming less bothersome. Most of his life focused on the past now – not on the present or future.

One good thing about growing old, he'd decided, was that he'd finally been able to put to rest so much of the bad that had happened in his life. He no longer thought of all the pain and torment he'd suffered – either in Iraq or all the years going through the gate. He didn't think about the torture or the suffering and it had been a long time since he'd suffered any nightmares. He grinned to himself – at least the only nightmares he got now were when he disobeyed the Doctor and ate spicy pizza. Those nightmares tended to revolve around being chased by giant chili peppers rather than being poked full of holes by aliens or losing his son or the woman he loved.

He looked up then at some of the pictures in his room. Cassie called it his 'rogues' gallery'. These were the happy parts of his life – the people he loved and who had become his family. He caught sight of one picture on the mantle and sighed, a feeling of sadness and loss coming over him.

Sara. She had died five years ago but he still missed her. She'd remarried and been happy with her new husband Ben for many years. After they'd retired they'd purchased a motor home and had travelled the country. He'd liked Ben and they'd even stopped by his cabin once for a visit. They hadn't stayed long, however, as Sara couldn't handle the memories. She'd cried on his shoulder, talking about Charlie and the times they'd visited the cabin as a family. That had been the last time he'd seen her.

They'd kept up a correspondence via Email after that. It wasn't all the time but it was regular enough to bring pleasure to both of them. Once Ben had died – about six years before Sara – she'd been lonely and they'd chatted more regularly. She and Ben didn't have any children so, other than a few cousins, she was alone.

He'd been well enough to attend her funeral so had made his way to Colorado. As per her wishes, she'd been buried next to Charlie. Jack had waited until all the other mourners had left – most of whom he didn't know – and had stood over her grave. He'd been surprised to see that she'd had them put her name as 'Sara O'Neill Scott' on the gravestone. Underneath it simply said _Proud wife and mother – happy now with my son.'_

"Say hi to Charlie for me, Sara", he'd said gently as he laid the lilies on her grave. She'd always loved the white flowers. He felt a tear slip down his cheek and knew that he would mourn her loss for the rest of his life.

He came back to the present, to the strains of the aria from Madame Butterfly. He was so moved by it that he almost ignored the knock on his door. After a second he did reach to turn off the music woncering who it could be. Milly wasn't due for another couple of days and his buddy Ralph was visiting his son in Minneapolis. Susan, his next door neighbor, worked during the day.

"Just a minute", he called. Struggling to his feet – when had it become such a chore to stand – he made his way to his front door. He just hoped it wasn't someone selling vacuum cleaners or religion!

When he opened the door it took a couple of seconds to comprehend that she was really standing there. Oh, he'd known instantly who she was, even though she was a white haired old lady now –but she was still as beautiful as she'd ever been. Tall and slender, her hair was perfectly done and her eyes, although the blue had faded, still shone with life and hope.

"Carter", he'd finally managed to say. He was proud of how steady his voice sounded. "Howya doin'?"

He didn't quite know what she'd answered, all he knew was that Carter was here – she was actually here after all of these years. Suddenly, he realized she looked frightened, as if worried that he'd tell her to go to hell. With a deep breath – and a terror he'd never admit to – he opened his arms. "C'mere", he said, letting her know he would always be glad to see her.

As she walked forward into his arms he was afraid he was going to begin to cry. But then, as his arms enfolded her, he knew that this moment was the happiest he'd been in – years. This is the way it was supposed to have been. This is where she should have been all these years. Carter had come home to him.

He finally managed to pull himself together and invited her in. For a brief moment he worried that she'd disappear or that she'd turn around and leave. Instead, she agreed to come in and sit down.

As he stood in his kitchen to prepare tea for her he had to lean against the counter and recoup. His heart was beating furiously and he knew the Doc would have his hide for getting so worked up. Still, it was worth it, he decided. Seeing Carter again was the one thing he'd not allowed himself to hope for– but which he knew was the one thing he'd really wanted before his life was over.

Once the tea was done he took a deep breath and returned to the sitting room. He had to stop briefly when he saw Sam sitting there. He still couldn't believe she was in his home

He enjoyed the time they spent together that afternoon, reminiscing over friends and old times. He didn't quite know how to react when she apologized for giving up on them all those years ago. Again, he'd had trouble hanging on to his emotions – at one point being almost overwhelmed with the sense of loss. He'd managed to pull himself together though. He really didn't blame Carter. He understood why she'd done what she'd done. As he'd said to her, it was water under the bridge now. He refused to dwell on what could have been.

He'd hung on to that resolve until he found her staring at the picture of her on his night table. He felt a deep sense of embarrassment and shame that she was seeing it sitting there.

He hadn't told anyone that he kept her picture. Anytime anyone had visited he had carefully put it away. It had been taken at a barbecue at his house in Colorado Springs and was one of his favorites. She was dressed in a white sun dress and was laughing at something – he couldn't remember what – but it showed the joy and enthusiasm that was so much a part of her.

He could tell she was upset, and he felt horrible. He reached out to touch her. "Carter! I'm sorry, I didn't mean for you to see that", he said apologetically.

He couldn't believe it when she'd reached for him or when she apologized again. What threw him the most, however, was when she told him that she hadn't been happy, that she regretted the choice she'd made. That's when he _had_ lost it. He felt like his heart was being ripped apart and yet, ironically, at the same time he felt like he wanted to sing. He wondered what Sam would have done if he had suddenly broken into an aria from his favorite opera? She would have thought he was insane.

Suddenly he felt weak, like he was going to collapse. Damn, growing old was crap! He really, really didn't want this. He wanted to be young, to have another chance at a life with Sam!

As they sat together on the couch he began to relax, to feel like the world had righted itself. It may have been almost too late, but he started to believe that maybe, just maybe, they could finally be together.

"Do _you_ have any regrets Sir", she'd asked. It had taken him awhile before he was able to answer but he'd decided to be truthful. His son – that went without saying. The other was something they'd never spoken of but had been the huge elephant left in that room for years. This was the first time he'd put into words what he'd felt for so long – that he regretted putting their careers before their love.

As he held her, a sense of peace washed over him. Yes, this was right. This was meant to be. He and Carter were finally together.

He felt a tingling and the next thing he knew he was - somewhere else. For a moment he expected to be standing in Thor's ship but then he remembered that his little alien friend was long dead. So, where the hell was he?

* * *

><p>She didn't know what to do at first, so she took a deep breath and tried to calm herself down. Come on Sam! You've been a General for God's sake, you've saved the world. Think! What to do.<p>

She knew she should call someone. She could check in with the Gate Center and ask them to check for unauthorized space ships in orbit. Just as she reached for the phone she had another thought. She was pretty sure they would think she was hysterical – or worse – that she was suffering from dementia or something. It was one of the most difficult things about growing old. Younger people began to think you didn't know what you were doing any more, that your mind went at the same pace as your wrinkles grew.

Haley! That was it. She'd contact Haley and tell her what had happened. She was still on active duty and she was a General. People would listen to her.

She reached for the phone when she felt something strange – she felt almost like she was fading out of existance. She prayed she'd soon be with Jack, wherever he was.

* * *

><p>Once he'd figured out that he wasn't on an alien ship he looked around. He was surrounded by rolling hills and was standing on a dirt path. It almost looked like he'd ended up in rural England somewhere. The hills were incredibly green and there was gentleness about his surroundings. Although there were no people anywhere that he could see, it didn't look wild or untamed.<p>

"Hello", he called. He looked around but still couldn't see anybody, or anything. It had been a long time since he'd been on any kind of a mission and didn't really feel up to figuring things out. He worried about Sam. She'd be frantic at his disappearance.

"Hello", he called again. "It would be really nice if you'd tell me where I am and why the hell you've grabbed me! I was in the middle of something important."

It was peaceful here, he thought, but almost too quiet. Everything was totally still – there wasn't even a breeze – and there were no animals or insects.

He could feel himself start to get nervous and his breathing increased. He hated the fact that he couldn't handle things the way he used to. Growing old was hell!

He stopped abruptly. What if he was dead? What if he'd died and this was – what heaven? hell? God, wouldn't that be ironic, he decided. Just as Sam was back in his life he'd kicked the bucket!

Then again, he didn't see how he could have died so suddenly. Surely he would remember something like that. As far as he knew he'd been looking at Sam, happy that she'd agreed to 'go fishing' with him. The next he was standing on a dirt path somewhere, with no idea why.

He decided he'd walk to see where he was. Fortunately, the path seemed relatively smooth although there was a gentle incline. As he began to move, he had a strange feeling as if – as if someone or something was watching. He didn't get a feeling of any kind of evil presence. In fact, he felt a calm and tranquil kindness. It was as if someone was cheering him on. He only hoped it was true.

He'd only walked for a few minutes when he saw that the path split in two. The path on the right looked clear and an easy walk. It curved gracefully through the green grass. Along the path were flowers and, a little farther on, a grove of trees.

The path on the left curved around one of the hills and was soon lost to sight. There was a sharp incline and he knew that the walk would be much more difficult for him. Without much thought he turned to the right and took a couple of steps. It felt familiar and easy.

For some reason, that made him stop. He didn't know why, but it felt wrong to be continuing this way. He glanced to his left and knew that the other path could be dangerous. It could be too difficult for his old bones and heart to handle and there was always the chance there was something bad around the bend. He knew all these things but, for some reason, that way called to him. He wished he knew why.

He paused for a moment and then turned and walked back to where the path diverged. "Don't know what the hell I'm getting into", he murmured, "but I think this is the way I want to go." He stopped suddenly. "I'm sorry Sam. I'd hoped there was time for us but maybe that's too much to ask. I hope you're okay." With that he began to walk.

It didn't take long before he began to pant as the path wound up the hill. He could still feel the presence around him. As he'd taken the second path it was almost as if he'd felt a sigh of relief – or maybe it was joy. Again, he hoped that was the case.

He turned around the bend, becoming more and more tired. The day, which had been sunny and warm, began to turn cloudy. The path became rougher and he could only see a few feet ahead. God, he hoped he was doing the right thing.

He'd been walking for what seemed like hours and he knew he was reaching his limit. He was dizzy and weak and his vision was beginning to go. "Jack, you did it again you idiot. Why didn't you take the easy path? Why did you have to jump into something you had no idea about? You're way too old for this!"

He stopped, not knowing where he was or where he was going. He didn't want to give up – refused to give up – but unfortunately, his body thought differently. With a small sob, he collapsed on the ground, his new, improved knees unable to hold him up any longer. As he hit the ground he was sure he heard a collective sigh.

The next thing he knew, he was standing in an isolation room in the SGC with a young looking Sam Carter standing in front of him. She was saying something, but it took him a moment to figure out what it was.

"Sir, none of this has to leave this room."

What? What the hell? He glanced around. Was this a dream? Had he died and returned to that moment of regret from so many years ago? Was this some sort of hell that he was being forced to relive this instant? He looked at Carter and saw that she was looking puzzled. He hadn't answered her question.

He was still unsure what was going on when that presence surrounded him again. There was no sound, no noise, no words but suddenly he understood. This _was_ real. For some reason, someone or something - maybe it was an alien, maybe it was God, was giving him a second chance.

"Sir?" Sam asked quietly, still waiting for him to speak.

"Yes it does Carter", he answered.

"What? I'm sorry Sir – what are you saying."

"It does – it has to leave this room. If we leave it here I'm pretty sure we'll regret it for the rest of our lives."

She looked back at him with fear in her eyes, but also with a small measure of hope. She licked her lips and he knew his future – or maybe his past – would be determined by her next words. Would she take the chance or would she make the same decision again and put her career first?

"I – Sir – I", she stopped and this time bit her lip. Jack held his breath – as did whoever or whatever was behind this. "I … kind of think so too, Sir."

"You do?"

"Yes", she smiled. "I _know_ I'd regret it too." She stopped and then took a step closer to him. "So what should we do about it Jack?" she asked softly.

"Do? This is what we should do!" He stepped towards her and gently took her face in his hands. Not caring about the people watching them, he bent his head and kissed her.

* * *

><p>She saw the grey haired man from across the room and smiled. She felt a jolt of pleasure. It had been over a year since she had seen him and she realized now how much she missed having him in her life.<p>

At that moment he lifted his head and saw her. With a smile of his own, he excused himself to the person he was talking to and began to head in her direction. He looked good, she thought. Although his hair was turning more white than grey now his face actually looked more weathered than wrinkled. She laughed to herself – maybe that's what everyone said as they themselves started seeing wrinkles in the mirror!

At that moment he reached her and opened his arms and enveloped her in a big hug.

"Sam", he said softly, squeezing her to him. "It's so good to see you." He pulled back and looked closely at her. "You're looking good. How have you been?

"Hi Daniel! It's great to see you as well. I'm fine but I'm afraid I'm slowing down and staying pretty close to home these days." She looked at her friend and thought it amazing that to her he still looked like that young, innocent faced archaeologist she'd met so many years ago rather than a man nearing 80 years old. "How are Vala and your kids?"

Daniel got a big grin and began to tell her about his eldest son, Matt, who had followed in his footsteps. He was clearly bursting with pride.

"Yeah – well, what can I say?" he answered when she teased him about it. "He's a great kid! The other's are great too and they're all fine. Amy is just finishing her Residency and she and Paul will be moving to Colorado soon. Jack's finishing his last year at Princeton although his main love seems to be hockey." Daniel grinned again. "Just like his namesake!"

Sam smiled in return although felt a brief hint of worry. She'd debated about the anniversary, knowing it could be pretty stressful. "Have you seen Teal'c?", she asked, trying to think of something else.

"Yeah, he's around somewhere", he said, looking through the crowd. "He brought Ishta with him but I think he said she was out shopping. You know what she's like!"

"I can hardly wait to see him", she replied. "It'll almost be like old times." Looking at Daniel she could see a twinkle in his eyes. She knew she had to ask so she figured she might as well get it over with. "So, have you seen the General?" she asked

"Mmmm hmmm", he answered, "although I was sworn to secrecy."

"Daniel!" she warned. "Tell me! Where is he?"

"Uh" he answered, looking slightly panicked. Then his face relaxed and he grinned. "Over there." He pointed over to a group of people at the far side of the conference hall. They were making slow progress walking towards them, although they were frequently stopped as people wanted to talk to them. They were creating quite a stir as they walked and Sam couldn't help but smile – with pride, and also a touch of exasperation.

"Where have they been?" she asked Daniel as they slowly approached.

"Jack convinced David to take him to the bar for a beer – said he needed one before the ceremony."

"That man!" she said, shaking his head. "I would have expected more from the girls!"

"Uh, I think they tried to stop him but you know what Jack is like."

"Huh! Don't I ever. After more that forty years of marriage _nothing_ surprises me anymore." Sam looked with affection at her rather exasperating spouse. Actually, she wasn't too upset. Jack was pretty careful when it came to his diet and, if he'd gone for a beer, it was probably more because he wanted to show his kids off. She would be surprised if he'd taken more than a couple of sips of Guinness.

The whole family had come to see the ceremony in which Jack was going to be honored. Although he'd groused and complained, she knew that he was secretly pleased and proud. He'd had an illustrious career but this was something pretty special. The powers that be had wanted to name the center after him, but he'd managed to convince them to name it after the person he felt was really responsible for his trip through the gate and the subsequent years of adventure and discovery.

The Charles J. O'Neill Gate Center was being opened tonight, on the 50th anniversary of that first trip to Abydos. SG1 was being honored and they were all receiving medals. Jack had agreed to say a few words and she had made him promise that he would be nice.

"Mom", David arrived and reached down and kissed her cheek. She smiled and reached up with her hand and touched his. David was her first born and looked just like Jack had done when he was younger. David was in his forties now and was married with four children of his own - the oldest – Chelsea, was a senior in high school. He was an English professor, getting his love of literature from his father.

Her other children were all here with their spouses and children. She looked around at the mass of people and couldn't believe how her life had gone. David, Daniel and Thomas, her three sons, had all done well in life and she was incredibly proud of them. What was also wonderful was how much they all loved their father – he was their hero and he adored them.

Then, there were her daughters. She grinned when she thought of them. Georgia and Jan, the twins, had their father wrapped around their fingers. He could be pretty tough on the boys but all the girls had to do was bat their blue eyes at him and he'd cave. In those cases she'd often had to be the tough one. Jack was just a pussy cat around his daughters.

Just then she saw the one person who had been missing from the crowd. Her youngest daughter Beth appeared and walked over and gave her a hug.

"Beth – you arrived. I'm so glad. Your Dad was worried."

"You know I wouldn't miss this for the world", Beth replied. Jack hadn't noticed her yet so Beth just looked at him. "How's he doing?"

"Well, really well. The doctor is amazed – said his body appears to be year's younger than his age. We figure it was either the sarcophagus or Thor – whatever it was, he's fine."

"Good, I'm glad." Beth appeared relieved.

"Well, go give him a hug. He's been waiting to see you."

Sam watched as Jack's face lit up when he saw his little girl. Beth had been a surprise. They'd both thought they were done having children. They'd actually ended up with more than they'd planned for when her last pregnancy turned out to be twins. The girls had been almost seven when Sam found out she was pregnant again. She'd been 47 and had been quite upset at first. She figured she had more than enough to deal with with five kids.

That had been when Jack had decided to retire, even though he was still a bit young. She hadn't protested too much, however, as he clearly loved being with his children more than anything in the world.

It turned out that Beth was the child most like Jack. Although he adored his other children – and they felt the same about him – there was something special in the relationship he had with his youngest daughter.

The other children were noisy and rambunctious and the O'Neill house was rarely quiet. All of them loved sports and fishing was a favorite O'Neill activity. Beth, however, appreciated quiet and stillness like her father. It had surprised Sam, when they first got together, to realize how peaceful he could be. For a man who seemed to fidget constantly, and always be full of energy, he could turn around and be totally still when listening to music, or reading or fishing. He and Beth would often stay on the dock at the cabin, long after the other kids had gone on to other things. They could be together in silence and yet seemed to understand each other.

Beth had had a bit of a rough time as a young adult. Again, unlike her siblings, she didn't know what she wanted to do and was not as outgoing or confident. Sam had worried about her daughter but Jack only smiled.

"She'll be fine Sam. She'll figure it out. All we have to do is be here for her and love her."

And he'd been right. It had taken a few years, but Beth had discovered her passion. She had gone to school and had become a veterinarian. Again, just like her father, she loved animals and now had her own clinic. They'd also recently heard that she'd met someone and was bringing him home for a visit. She was clearly happy.

As Sam looked around at her large, noisy family, she couldn't help but be thankful that Jack had refused to let her leave it in the room all those years ago. There had been challenges and they'd had quite a fight with the Air Force but eventually they'd been given permission to marry and stay together. Jack – and General Hammond – had convinced the powers that be that the SGC needed special rules since it was so highly classified. They'd been married almost immediately afterward and David had come barely a year later.

She'd kept her career, on a part-time basis, although she gave up most active Gate travel. Jack had made General and eventually the family had moved to DC where he continued to advance. When he retired, they'd returned to Colorado where all the kids finished school. Once they were all on their own, the two of them had moved to Minnesota, where they lived now.

Just at that moment her husband looked up at her and smiled, that special smile he reserved just for her. He mouthed 'I love you' to her and she grinned. 'Ditto' she mouthed back. She had no regrets – she'd made the right decision when she'd chosen Jack O'Neill. And somehow, she knew that they would be together, not just in this life, but in whatever came afterward.

Yes – it was clear. Fate – or God, or the universe meant for them to be together – always.

**_For those of you wondering about the details of their life or about who or what gave them the second chance - you'll have to use your imagination. This story wasn't really about the details - more about their relationship and about choices and loss - and hope. I hope you don't hate me for this - but I won't be doing a sequel!_**


End file.
